Breakfast DJ

Mattie Hewitt is one half of Hitstroke FM's breakfast programme "Cas & Mattie in the Mornings". Kidnapped by Phil at the tender age of two, it was Phil's belief that Mattie would grow up to be the finest radio DJ in the country. Unfortunately, he was wrong. Mattie never grew up.


A passionate believer in brightening up peoples days, Mattie lives by the motto, "If you're not in front of a microphone, you may as well go to sleep."


Mattie's favourite shape is the three sided square.


Breakfast DJ

Cassandra Powell is one hell of a radio DJ. After graduating with a degree in journalism, Cas hoped to get a job at a respectable radio station. She didn’t, so now she works at Hitstroke FM.


Off air, Cas cherishes the catastrophic colon cleansing combo of coffee and crossfit. She’s on Tinder, and would really, really appreciate it if you swiped right.

Producer Phil

Station Manager

Phil Collins (no, not that one) used to be someone. Back in the early 90s he was a hot-as-shit music producer (back then you could make a hit by getting four boys together to sing nonsensical words like beep boppidy boo ba - kinda like that Hansen song).


But as the decade progressed, people decided they wanted lyrics. It was more than Phil was prepared for, and after his big break with boy band 'The Lovely Lads' he spiralled into a slump of depression, alcohol, and cheese-string benders.


Eventually an old friend put him up as the producer of Hitstroke FM, knowing he couldn't do any harm there - but still retain what was left of his dignity. Phil yearns to be showered in the glory of yesteryear.




With seven dog years experience at Hitstroke FM, Archie is one of the station's highest paid employees.


Born and bred in Scotland, Archie has experience working as an international correspondent for the BBC, and was the founder of Leg Up, an organisation aimed at helping disadvantaged pups.


He is known for his deep, booming voice and terrifying temper.

Lana Banana

Drive Home DJ

Lana Banana is living proof that Hitstroke FM's 2015-2016 Disability Acceptance Action Plan has been enacted!


Proudly treated the same as all the other non-freak staff, Lana has not only been allowed to touch the radio desk with her disgusting, peely skin - she also presents an afternoon show of her own.


Lana's parents are very proud of her...or so we assume. Her dad’s real seedy and keeps telling us how he loves to finger his lady finger. What a fruit.



Employee of the Month

Jennifer is Hitstroke's regular employee of the month. Part playdoh, part magic, her inanimate mischief knows no bounds.


Also Phil’s girlfriend.


Ever wanted to dress like an underpaid radio DJ? Don't let your dreams be dreams, click on the dope ass image below to make them a reali'tee! (Sorry.)


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